


and isn't it just so pretty to think

by seasalttears



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, and judy is an angel saint baby, and stfu michelle gets out of the picture kinda quick so just sit your gay ass down mmkay, charlie is basically god, henry is jesus, idk this is very sappy and very gay, jen is a himbo that doesn't know anything about her feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasalttears/pseuds/seasalttears
Summary: Judy smiles and Jen feels a twinge. It warms her, being an important person in Judy’s life. She doesn’t really know what she did to deserve someone so special and attentive and giving. She just knows she doesn’t want to fuck it up.or, Jen has feelings she doesn't know what to do with and Judy is perfect.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding, Michelle Gutierrez/Judy Hale
Comments: 20
Kudos: 118





	and isn't it just so pretty to think

She doesn’t really know when it happens, it just kind of… _happens_.

It seems like the most natural thing in the world for Judy to start sharing her bed. They already share a house, children, and get out of jail free cards. What’s a bed at this point?

It never really became a conversation, it just started to occur after one too many glasses of wine or when one of them had a heavier day. And eventually the nights started to blur together until one day Jen realized Judy kept pajamas in her dresser and a toothbrush in her bathroom. It was like she woke up one day and suddenly regained her vision enough to notice the essence of Judy that has so gently permeated her space.

And it’s not that Jen minds—because she really doesn’t, it’s fucking nice, okay?—it just happened without her ever realizing it was happening and that kind of. You know. Irked her. How did she not notice? Was Judy so ingrained into her daily life and the deepest parts of her that this next level of intimacy didn’t seem like a step worth recognizing? It honestly just seems like icing on top of the domesticity cake. Jen finds that it brings her a safe sort of comfort; content happiness in all its glory.

Judy wakes up first—naturally, like a fucking sociopath—to go make breakfast for the boys. In between the toast and eggs and after the coffee is finished brewing, she goes to wake up Jen if she’s not up yet. (On the days when Jen is more stubborn and sleepy, Judy finds that blasting Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” right in Jen’s ear usually does the trick—followed by mumbled remarks of “fuck you” and “I didn’t think my life could get any worse.”) Judy finishes breakfast while Jen gets ready, and then Judy gets ready while Jen makes Henry’s lunch.

The routine is a dance Jen has carefully learned the choreography to, never one step out of sequence. Sliding seamlessly past each other and trading coffee mugs they frequently tend to mix up (not that it matters anyways), spreading peanut butter on bread and greeting Charlie and Henry’s early morning sleepy faces. One step, two, never off beat. Jen’s afraid to find out what would happen if she slipped up, if she changed the dance to something else—something new.

For now though, she’s happy. She’s relaxed. She’s not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Between murder and mafias and misery, Jen thinks she earned this. She earned this peace, and Judy just happens to be a deep-rooted part of the respite. She won’t analyze why that is, she doesn’t have that kind of time or healthy emotional coping mechanism on her hands, so she kind of just ignores that part. But she is less angry these days, and that’s a fucking win in her book. Still angry, but less so.

But then Michelle comes back into the picture. Shit. Jen was just getting used to having Judy around all the time, just getting used to reveling in their co-dependency (it’s fucking healthy now, shut up).

Jen is happy for Judy, she is. Judy is the kind of person that _deserves_ to be cherished and appreciated in all of the ways. Despite the tendency to leave a trail of death and despair in her wake, Judy is probably the nicest and most generous person Jen has ever met in her entire fucking life.

But she can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Judy spends more time away—more time at _Michelle’s_. It kind of sucks because the boys were getting used to the breakfast frittatas and Jen was getting used to the fine line of intimacy her and Judy seemed to have been teetering on for a long time. Now there are empty mornings when Jen can’t help but burn fucking toast and Henry is sad and Charlie is irritable. She hadn’t realized just how desperately they needed Judy in their family, just how indispensable she had become within their daily functioning.

It’s not like Judy is _always_ gone, but she usually is. She spends most nights at Michelle’s after cooking a quick dinner that is ready as Jen walks in the door. Wine nights happen maybe once a week—and that is so depressing for Jen, really—and the Harding family days are usually set off kilter when Judy isn’t there to set them off on the right foot with her annoying sunshine spilling out her ass.

The boys have already been dropped off and Jen is cleaning up the kitchen after another disastrous round of toast and coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice. The boys have taken kindly to frozen waffles. (Over forty years on this earth and her culinary skills still threaten to burn down the entirety of Laguna Beach, like what the fuck?)

Jen jumps when she hears the patio doors open, not accustomed to the sound of another human being at this time of day. She turns around to find Judy smiling at her brightly, yesterday’s dress clinging to her body in all the right places—nope. No. Jen will not go down that rabbit hole right now, it is too fucking early. Her repression and compartmentalization skills have really sucked with the entrance of one Judy Hale in her life.

“Hey stranger. What are you doing here?”

Judy frowns a bit, “Oh. Well, I just wanted to say hi.”

“Need a break from your U-Haul?”

“Hey, we don’t even live together.”

“I mean, you might as well, Judy. I don’t remember the last time you actually stayed at this house—that you supposedly live in—overnight.”

Judy pauses and looks at Jen, really looks at her. It’s disgusting being seen. “Are you okay?”

Jen scoffs. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“Really? Because I see three pieces of burnt toast and one freshly mangled orange.”

“Yeah, well my abilities in the kitchen still have yet to surface. It’s been… hard, without you here. The boys miss you.” _I miss you._

“I know, I miss them too. I miss all three of you guys. I just feel like I really need to be exploring this time with Michelle. She makes me so fucking happy and I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”

Jen nods slowly, something deep down inside her breaking a little. And you know what? She doesn’t really feel like dealing with that right now. Goodbye to that.

“Well, why don’t you have her over for dinner? She’s a chef, right? I’m sure the boys will appreciate that. And you. You know. Being here,” Jen looks down as she whispers the last part, “for longer than five fucking seconds.”

“Really? I think that would be amazing! I really do miss you guys and this might be the perfect way to start bringing together all the important people in my life.”

Judy smiles and Jen feels a twinge. It warms her, being an important person in Judy’s life. She doesn’t really know what she did to deserve someone so special and attentive and giving. She just knows she doesn’t want to fuck it up.

But this also means that Michelle has reached the next level. Michelle has situated herself on a platform that used to be solely reserved for Jen and the boys. It hurts, if she’s being honest. She never really thought about the fact that one day Judy would move on—she would find somebody and move out and live a life that is separate from Jen. But it’s happening now, and Jen thinks she might need to look into some online therapy sessions. Does her insurance cover that?

“Are you sure a relationship like this is sustainable?” Fuck. Jen didn’t mean to say that. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—

“What is that supposed to mean?” Fuck, Judy sounds hurt. Jen promised herself she wasn’t going to do that anymore but if she’s being honest, she is still learning how to keep her anger in check. It’s just so fucking _hard_ , trying to reign it in all the time. Fuck.

“I’m sorry, forget I said anything.” Jen waves her hand dismissively and sees Judy fighting the urge to make her talk about this. She sighs in relief when Judy nods once, affirmation that they will not be talking about this now but they will most definitely talk about it at some point. Jen already dreads it.

“Um, I’ll ask Michelle what day works best for her and let you know?”

Jen smiles and it hurts, “Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.” A beat of silence and no, not awkward. At all. “Well, I’m going to head out… for work. Work, I have a job. Um. Goodbye.”

Jen leaves the kitchen abruptly, and if her eyes get a little misty as she walks out the door, shut the fuck up about it.

Jen is avoiding catching Charlie’s eye as they all sit around the dinner table and wait for Judy and Michelle to finish putting out the food. Every time she does, he makes this weird face that she knows is supposed to be communicating something but she can’t figure out what it is. Either way, it’s not her priority right now. Currently, it’s trying to get through this dinner with Michelle in her home and in her space and in the middle of her fucking crisis about her _feelings_ and Judy. Gross.

She looks at Henry as he watches Judy take her seat at the head of the table. He’s been missing her a lot recently. _You’re not the only one, Boop._

Michelle sits down next to Charlie after she sets down the salad bowl, and Jen sees her look of confusion as she realizes Judy won’t be sitting next to her. And if Jen smirks to herself as she takes a sip of wine, so fucking what? She’s human and has anger issues.

They begin serving amidst quiet that is also slightly tense. Jen feels like she’s going to throw up if someone doesn’t say something.

Jen says something. “It’s nice that you could join us, Michelle.”

Michelle smiles, “Well, thank you for having me over.”

“Anytime.” Jen doesn’t mean that. Michelle can suck her fucking dick. God, she should really look into that online therapy shit.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Judy remarks as she piles her plate with the pasta looking stuff Michelle whipped up in Jen’s kitchen. That is also Judy’s kitchen. Because they own a house together. And Michelle doesn’t. Ha.

“Me too.”

Jen’s not going to gag, she’s _not_. Instead, she digs in. Henry tells Michelle how good it is and even Charlie hums a bit as he takes his first bite. Alright fine, Michelle is like, a super good cook. Whatever. Jen is open about her skills in the kitchen. It’s not one of her better qualities, but she has like, a _ton_ more, so.

It’s only a few minutes into the meal when Judy coughs. Jen looks over as Judy takes a sip of her wine before coughing again. She looks like she’s in pain or extremely uncomfortable. Jen gets a sinking feeling in her stomach as she watches hives start to form on Judy’s arms.

“Judy, are you okay?” Jen grabs Judy’s hand and inspects it closer.

“Yeah, my throat is just… feeling kind of tight.”

“Oh shit. Michelle were there walnuts anywhere in this?”

Michelle looks worried and responds quietly and confused, “Well, yeah, it’s a walnut and mushroom Bolognese…”

Judy coughs again. “Fuck.”

Jen stands abruptly. “Judy, it’s okay. Hold on baby, I’m going to get the pen I have in my purse.” She rushes out of the dining room and into the kitchen where she dropped her purse after getting home from work and witnessing the truly sickening display of Judy watching Michelle cook. She rushes back to the dining room when she finds it. She goes to straight Judy and lifts her dress up to inject the epinephrine into her upper thigh. Jen’s not going to think about that in any other context—her best friend just almost went into anaphylactic shock so she will _not_ think about that. No, nope.

Judy sighs, immediately feeling the effects. Jen brushes her hair out of her face and studies her face. Jen is also slightly aware of the audience they have and the guest she is supposed to be entertaining, but she can’t really find it in herself to care about that right now.

“You okay? Do you need to lay down?”

“No, no. I’m okay.”

“Really, Jude? Because you still look like you can’t fucking breathe. Let me take you to the couch, okay? Henry, will you get her a glass of water please, sweetie?” Jen grabs Judy’s arm to help her up and lead her to the couch. As they leave the dining room, she overhears Michelle talking to Charlie.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea…”

“Really? Because we have like, four EpiPens stashed all over the house. Not including the one my mom just used.”

Silence.

Jen feels a sense of pride wash over her.

Judy is dozing on the couch when Jen walks Michelle out, insisting she and the boys will clean up.

“Are you sure? I feel terrible for making such a mess of um, well, everything.”

“I promise you it’s fine. I got it all under control.”

Michelle nods and purses her lips, eyes flitting towards the living room where Judy is. “Will you tell me if anything changes? Or if she needs anything? I’m just worried, especially after everything with my mom…” Michelle quietly trails off and Jen’s chest constricts.

She had almost forgotten about Michelle’s mom, only remembering the things Judy told her in passing, something about strokes and the ICU. Either way, Jen empathizes. It’s hard losing your mom, and she’s happy that Michelle hasn’t had to do it.

“I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you.”

Michelle turns and leaves, leaving Jen to dirty dishes and her thoughts. While rinsing off the plates, she begins to think about how worried Michelle seemed about Judy. Jen thinks Judy deserves that—she deserves someone who is going to be worried about her because they just… love her so damn _much_. Judy deserves that kind of love, and Jen thinks she might have found it. Considering the way Judy’s face lights up whenever she talks about Michelle or the way her smile got brighter when Michelle walked through the door tonight, well, Jen thinks she may have found it.

Jen would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little jealous, although she’s not sure about which part. Maybe she misses the intimacy and the comfort that comes with finding somebody you love like that, in that way. Yes, she loves Judy and finds comfort in her and they found a certain type of (strictly _platonic_ ) intimacy a long time ago, but it’s not like _that_. It’s not like what Judy and Michelle have.

That must be what Jen misses. She would also be lying if she said she wasn’t jealous of how much of Judy’s time Michelle dominates. And it’s honestly just because Judy had become such a big part of Jen’s life. Seriously, like, that’s the only reason. She just misses the ready-made breakfasts and the gentle way Judy woke her up in the morning. Shut up. Anyways—

“Are you guys absolutely sure you want to do this?”

“She’s already our legal guardian right? Why not just make it more permanent?”

“I know, I just want you guys to make sure that you’re sure about this. I will fully support you in whatever you decide. This means Judy will be a permanent part of our lives.”

“Isn’t she already?”

It’s Mother’s Day and Jen should not be this excited. Of course she’s always enjoyed being celebrated for the shitty mom she is—okay, fine, her online therapist has told her to stop being so hard on herself for doing the best she can do as a mother and considering her kids aren’t dead or in jail, she’s doing pretty fucking good, and yeah… maybe she left the part out where her son sold drugs, but give her a fucking _break_ —but she’s never felt excited celebrating Mother’s Day for anyone other than herself. It’s always been a hard day since her mom died, and she usually just kind of pushes that deep down. (Yes, her therapist told her to stop doing that too. She’s listening to her mom’s favorite album and looking at pictures of them together in her like, honor or whatever later tonight. Leave her alone.)

But _this_ Mother’s Day is special. It’s the first one her and Judy are spending together with the boys as a mini pseudo-family, although there’s nothing really pseudo about it in Jen’s mind. Her and the boys got Judy something that has honestly, been a long time coming. After many, many conversations and boundaries solidified, all three of them finally agreed on it.

Judy set this day aside for them, intending to put all the attention on Jen—and oh, is she in for a surprise when she realizes it won’t be—but Jen doesn’t think it was too hard to do. Judy and Michelle are still seeing each other, but less frequently. Now Judy spends about half the week sleeping in the guesthouse and drinking wine with Jen and playing games with the boys. And if it hurts Jen’s feelings that Judy doesn’t sleep in her bed anymore, she’ll never tell Judy that. She gets it, Judy has a girlfriend now and there need to be new boundaries and a little bit of space between them. Jen does find it odd that Judy and Michelle suddenly stopped seeing each other so often—because it was very sudden—but she chalks it up to the honeymoon phase being over. Everybody needs their space, right?

Jen walks downstairs to find Judy in the kitchen making pancakes and eggs. She’s humming softly, and Jen can just make out the tune of “No Scrubs.” Jen smiles.

“Hey Sunshine.” Judy turns around and smiles.

“Happy Mother’s Day!” Jen’s smile grows and if she blushes, so fucking what?

“The boys will be down in a minute for breakfast.”

“Perfect, I’m almost done with the pancakes.”

As Charlie and Henry bound down the stairs and immediately start eating, Jen’s stomach flutters a little bit. She’s nervous, and she just really, really wants this to go well. It’s not that she thinks it won’t, but she’s really laying all her cards out on the table here. The boys a little more so, but still, it’s a lot of cards.

When the food is demolished and the first cups of coffee are slurped up, a silence settles in the kitchen. Henry and Charlie look at Jen expectantly and she nods. Henry runs to his room to get Judy’s present while Jen and Charlie look at her giddily.

“What’s… going on.” It’s not a question, and Jen knows Judy is nervous. She waits until Henry comes back before she explains.

“Okay, so. The boys and I have been talking a lot recently. About you.” Judy nods. “And we’ve made some decisions.”

“Oh God. Do you want me out of the guesthouse? Because I totally get it, I can get out of your hair—”

“What? Jude, no. That’s not it. We just thought that since you’ve become such an important part of our lives, we wanted to celebrate you today too.” Jen can see from where she’s standing that Judy’s eyes are already watering, and Jen’s body feels a little warm. A little full of love for the three people in front of her. “Charlie, would you like to say your piece?”

He nods before taking a deep breath. Jen knows he likes talking about his feelings just as much as she does. “Henry and I… love you. We do. You’re really important to us and we honestly can’t see us functioning without you here to help out. After our dad died,” Charlie’s breath hitches and Jen rubs his arm comfortingly, “well, it was really hard those first few months. And then you came along and things got a lot easier. And your breakfast meals are like, really fucking good. Henry?”

“Which is why we want to give you this!” Henry holds up the gift bag and Judy takes it gingerly. She delicately removes the wrapping paper and Jen twitches—of course Judy unwraps presents the same way she treats broken people. When Judy pulls out the pile of documents and skims over them, her jaw drops and the tears start flowing freely.

“Oh my god—are you sure? This is like, a big thing.”

“Of course we’re sure! We love you and we want you to be here forever,” Henry replies. Jen’s smile falters when she thinks about forever; logically she knows that won’t be the case if Judy and Michelle keep on the same track.

Judy takes a shuttering breath before responding. “Of course I will accept this, but only if you are absolutely sure. I would never even think of taking your dad’s place, but I am truly honored to be seen as a part of this family. Legally.”

“You’ve always been a part of this family, Judy. You were already their legal guardian, we just wanted it to be more permanent. This was their idea.”

Judy turns towards Charlie and Henry with a small, hopeful smile. “Really?” They nod and she gathers them both in her arms, squeezing tight so they might never leave. Jen observes, feeling a small part of her sliding into place. A little _click_ , like the last puzzle piece taking its place. She thinks it is.

Jen is laying on the guesthouse floor with a glass of wine next to her and Carole King’s _Tapestry_ on the record player, quietly floating through the air as she gazes at a picture of her and her mom from right before she died. Judy, Charlie, and Henry are in the main house—she figured she would give them some alone time after dinner to really talk about things. _Gross_.

She hears the door open and she knows it’s Judy. She wipes the tears from her face and smiles up at her best friend, her platonic soulmate. (God, this wine is really hitting her.)

“Hey, thought I would check up on you. You doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know.”

“What?”

“Pretend everything is okay when it’s not.”

Jen sits up and takes a sip of wine before responding. “I’m not pretending, I genuinely feel okay. This whole ‘talking about your feelings’ and therapy thing is actually, I don’t know, working?”

“I’m happy for you.” Judy smiles and Jen takes a moment to appreciate it.

“How did it go with the boys?”

“Good! We talked a lot about boundaries and stuff like that. I assured them they don’t have to start calling me ‘Dad’ or anything, don’t worry.”

Jen snorts. “I don’t think it will take long for them to do it anyways.”

“What do you mean?”

Jen pauses. “Oh, nothing. Just a feeling.” She smiles reassuringly.

“Well, I’m gonna get out your hair and let you do your thing.”

Judy starts heading for the door when Jen stops her with a chorus of “No, no, no.” Judy stops and looks at her quizzically. “Stay.” Judy smiles softly and sits down next to Jen and takes a swig directly from the wine bottle. Jen smiles back. “We’re gonna need more of this.”

They’re more than a few glasses in and Jen and Judy are… _feeling it._

“I still can’t believe you have Christine McVie’s 1984 album and you never told me!”

“Is that such a surprise?”

“… _yes_.”

“I may primarily listen to heavy metal but I still have, if I do say so myself, _superb_ music taste.”

Jen is sprawled out on the floor as Judy is leafing through the record collection. Two empty bottles of wine lay discarded on the floor and Jen feels like she’s on cloud nine. She’s missed this.

“Do you actually want to adopt my kids?”

Judy abruptly turns around. “What? Obviously I do! I love those boys more than life.”

“I love you more than wine.” Jen smiles painfully at the memory of her murder confession and narrowly missed prison sentence. Judy smiles gently.

“I love _you_ more than wine.”

“Fucking sap.”

Judy scoffs and throws a pillow at Jen’s face, and Jen just laughs. Judy crawls over and flops down next to Jen, and curls their fingers together. Jen feels happy, content. She wonders what that means. Too bad she’s not sober enough to actually think about it.

“How have you been?”

Jen sits on her bed, sweatpants on and laptop open to her virtual therapy session. “I’ve been good.”

“How have you _actually_ been?”

“Okay fine, you got me. I’m fine, but I do have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“Judy.”

Her therapist nods and smiles knowingly. _Prick_. “Care to elaborate?”

Jen sighs. “I just… miss her. She’s been gone a lot now that she’s dating Michelle, and I’m truly happy for her, but I miss her. She became such an important part of mine and the boys’ lives and now that she’s not here all of the time, it’s like I’ve been knocked off kilter or something. I had no idea I relied on her so much until I couldn’t.”

“Do you like relying on her? Are you comfortable with that dynamic you established?”

“Of course I do. It got a little codependy for a bit, but I trust Judy with my life and my kids’ lives. We’ve been through hell and back together and she got me through some of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. She’s the closest friend I’ve ever had.”

“That makes sense. It’s normal of you to feel a little unbalanced by this sudden change in your dynamic with her. Do you have a plan for when she eventually moves out and lives a life more separate from yours?”

Jen pauses. “No. That honestly never crossed my mind until it started happening. I guess I just assumed it would never change once it happened.”

“Have you considered bringing this to Judy?”

“Absolutely not. Judy is a fucking saint, and if I told her any of this, she would immediately drop everything to take care of me. I don’t want her sacrificing her happiness for the sake of mine.”

“But don’t you both deserve to be happy?”

“I guess. But I truly want her to explore what she has with Michelle. Judy deserves that. She deserves love and happiness and all the good things life has to offer. She’s more than earned the right to have somebody by her side who will appreciate her and love her for who she truly is. She deserves someone that would kill for her.” _Like I have_.

“Can I be honest, Jen?”

“Isn’t that your job?”

Her therapist ignores that and keeps talking. “It sounds like Judy already has that.”

“What do you mean?”

“You, Jen. She already has all of what you just said, with _you_.”

Jen sighs. She needs a drink. “Yeah, but she needs more than what we have. She needs love. Like, _real_ love. The romantic kind.”

“Who’s to say she’s not also getting that with you?”

“Me, Dr. Nelson. Me.”

“You don’t love Judy?”

“Of course I love her. She’s one of the most important people in my life. It’s just not… like _that_.” Jen waves her hand in lieu of the unspoken words.

“Kind of sounds like it is.”

“Can we talk about my overwhelming and crushing grief now?”

“If that’s what you want.”

God, she really needs that fucking drink.

_The Facts of Life_ is on and Jen is on her third glass of wine with Judy in bed next to her. A perfect night in her books. It’s been too long since they’ve done this, and Jen may be a little selfish for this, but she’s glad she’s regained some of Judy’s time back. Feels really fucking good. Don’t worry about it.

“Michelle and I broke up.”

Oh, what the fuck—

“What the fuck?”

Judy turns her head to look at Jen, “What?”

“What do you mean you and Michelle broke up?”

“I mean that we broke up. As in, we are no longer dating. Nada. Zip. Zilch.”

Jen turns to face Judy fully and grabs her hand, worry written all over her face. “Why? Did something happen?”

Judy shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. “Nah, just kind of grew apart and… fizzled out? We both agreed it was for the best.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,”

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about it.” Jen pauses for a moment, taking the opportunity to see if Judy really is okay. She asks anyways. “Can I give you a hug?”

Judy nods and Jen immediately pulls her closer. And if she holds Judy a little tighter and inhales the scent of Judy’s shampoo, it’s not a big deal. This isn’t a big deal. Judy needs her, needs a _friend_ , and so that’s what she’ll be.

But it’s weird. Judy returns to the normal Judy pretty quickly. There were a few mopey days full of wine and hugs, but other than that? Judy didn’t seem too torn up about the split. Jen wants to ask why that is, what the fuck exactly happened between her and Michelle, but she doesn’t push it. If Judy wants to talk about it, she will.

But she hasn’t.

And that’s. Well. Weird. Jen has a feeling that normally Judy would be spilling her heart out and telling Jen all the ways in which she misses Michelle—but that has yet to happen. And Jen has a feeling it won’t. Instead, Judy effortlessly returns to the routine the four of them had before Michelle came back into the picture, and it’s like nothing had changed at all. Jen can’t fight the feeling that something is off, though.

It happens in little spurts, small moments that seem insignificant when they happen, but stack up until Jen is fully overwhelmed by the weight of them.

The first time it happens is at Henry’s parent-teacher conference. Her and Judy go together because, well, Judy is legally their mother now and has a right to know what’s going on in her child’s life.

Unfortunately Henry is still in the stage of schooling where all the teachers fucking know each other, which means Jen still gets sympathetic nods about her dead husband. Frankly, it’s annoying. She’s got a therapist now and she’s working through her grief, okay? People need to learn to leave her alone; she’s a widow, not a fucking homeless puppy. _Should we get a dog?_

“Jen! So nice to see you! Please, take a seat.” Jen gives a strained smile and already wants to leave. Judy takes her hand and squeezes it, making Jen’s shoulders sit a little lower, a bit of tension leaving her body.

“Nice to see you too. Shall we get straight to it?”

The teacher ignores Jen and looks at Judy. “Oh, I didn’t know anyone would be joining us. I’m Sherry, Henry’s teacher.”

Judy takes the offered hand and smiles warmly, like a ray of fucking sunshine. “Nice to meet you! I’m Judy.”

“Are you a friend of the family, or…?”

Jen is about to cut in with a _it’s none of your fucking business_ , but Judy responds before she can. “I’m actually, um…” She looks at Jen for help, realizing this is the first situation they’ve been in like this since the adoption papers went through.

“This is Henry’s other mom.”

The teacher’s jaw drops before she tries to collect herself, but Jen can already see what she’s thinking. “Oh, that’s lovely! I’m happy you were able to find love again.”

Jen gags internally (find love again? Is she in a fucking Hallmark movie?), and is about to correct her, her and Judy are most definitely not _in love_ , but instead—Shania? Shelby? Whatever the fuck her name is—has already moved on and started talking about Henry’s work. Jen knows it isn’t worth it to fix it at this point, and honestly? It doesn’t really matter. Sure, she doesn’t mean to imply that her and Judy are together, but if someone assumes… she doesn’t really care enough to rectify the situation. That’s their problem.

The next time it happens, it’s Charlie that brings it up—the traitorous bastard. Jen pushed his big ass head out of her vagina for _this?_

“Charlie, for the last time, Judy and I are not sleeping together.”

“You think I don’t know that she spends every night in your room?”

“Okay, A: she owns half of this house, so she is just as privy to that master bedroom as I am. B: yes, we share a bed, but we are not actually _sleeping_ together. And C: even if we were, it’s none of your business.”

“Well, you’re both legally my moms. So yeah, I think it kind of is my business.”

“Charlie, I promise you that if Judy and I suddenly happened to turn into lesbians, we would tell you and Henry when the time was right. But we’re not, so fucking drop it. Okay?”

“Isn’t Judy already a lesbian? Is that something you can just turn into?”

“No, it’s not. And no, she likes men too. She’s um, bisexual or… what is it? Potsexual? Toastersexual?”

“You mean pansexual?”

“Yeah, that one. She’s one of those.”

“All I’m saying is that if you guys did decide to do… lesbian things, I would support you.”

“Oh, thank you for your permission.”

Charlie sighs. “I’m trying to be real here, Mom. I want you to be happy. And Judy makes you happy.”

Jen softens and pulls him in for a hug. “Thank you. I promise you though, I _am_ happy. All I need is you and Henry and Judy. But we’re just _friends_.”

Charlie starts walking towards the stairs, “Sure, Jan.”

“You’ve never even fucking watched _The Brady Bunch_!”

The third time it happens is at a bar, and this is the time Jen fucking breaks. She was going to lose it eventually.

Some little fucking loser sidles up to Judy as they’re ordering another round, and he has the fucking _audacity_ to lay a hand on her arm. Jen quickly surveys the scene, and it’s obvious Judy wants absolutely nothing to do with the guy. While the bartender is making their drinks, Jen steps in between Judy and the man and roughly pulls his hand off.

“Watch where you’re putting that, bucko.”

“Excuse me?”

“Does it look like she wants to talk to you? Get a fucking clue, dude.”

He looks like he’s about to say something, but then a look crosses over his face.

“Oh shit, sorry. Didn’t realize you guys were… _together_.”

He walks away before Jen can say anything else, and she turns back to Jud, scoffing. “Can you believe that guy? And why does everyone suddenly think we’re fucking? Do we give off a vibe?”

Judy laughs nervously and flits her eyes between Jen and the empty glasses littering the bar top. “Yeah, I know. Totally weird, right?”

Jen is about to ask her why she’s the one being weird now, but the bartender sets their drinks down in front of them. Judy didn’t even comment on her use of the word “vibe,” but she doesn’t really want to think about why Judy is acting like this, and it’s clear Judy doesn’t want to either. She puts it away for her next therapy session, and then joins Judy out on the dance floor.

And if Jen pulls Judy a little closer and makes sure that guy can see her hand low on Judy’s waist while they sway along to “Take My Breath Away,” who can blame her?

“Okay, so like. There’s something going on.” Dr. Nelson nods, waiting for Jen to continue. “A lot of people have been assuming Judy and I are a couple, and that’s weird right?”

“Why is that weird?”

“Because we’re not?”

“Is there something wrong with people assuming that you and Judy are together? Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“No, it’s not that. Judy and I are best friends, and we’ve been through some shit together.” _We buried a dead body together_. “I just think it’s weird that people have suddenly started thinking we’re a couple when we’re doing the same old shit we’ve always done. Can’t two women own a house and raise their children without people assuming they’re married or something?”

Jen stops and thinks about what she just said. Dr. Nelson lets her sit with it for a moment. “Are you hearing what I’m hearing?”

“I don’t know, what are _you_ hearing?”

“I could be wrong, but I think you love Judy.”

“We’ve been over this, of course I love Judy. I tell her that all the time.”

“No, Jen. I think you’re _in_ love with Judy.”

“Why the fuck would you ever think that?”

“You said it best yourself. You two have built this life together in the face of tragedy. You were jealous of Michelle—”

“I was not fucking jealous—”

“—and you’ve come to trust Judy more than anyone else you’ve ever been close to. Was it last week that you said twenty years of marriage to Ted never felt as real as your friendship with Judy?” Jen nods slowly. “It’s because you _love_ her. And you may have loved Ted just as much at one point in time, but it’s obvious that Judy has filled a place in your heart that was aching for a long time. Longer than you probably realize.”

Jen starts crying a little, but shut the fuck up about it. “I just don’t want to ruin it. I have this perfect life and this perfect family and everything finally feels _normal_. What if I tell her how I feel and it fucks everything up?”

“I think you need to decide if that’s a risk you’re willing to take.”

Fuck.

Jen decides it’s not. She can’t do it. She can’t fuck this up. She’s already put them all through too much, and she’s not willing to sacrifice all of that for the sake of… what? Being happy and in love? She’s already happy with this life she built with Judy at her side, and if not ruining that means she’ll never have sex again—so be it. Granted, she really fucking misses it, but she would rather have Judy as her best friend than nothing at all.

She still hasn’t even quite come to grips with this whole thing. In love? With _Judy_? Yeah, she loves Judy and she has never quite felt like this with another human being—but Jen chalked that up to never having a close female companion. She thought always wanting to be around them and always worrying about them and wanting to make sure everything in their life was perfect was… you know, _normal_ , for two female best friends. Sure, the way she feels for Judy is similar to the way she felt towards Ted before everything went downhill, but it wasn’t the same. Was it?

But then why was she jealous of Michelle? Despite her adamance with Dr. Nelson—it’s true. She knows she was jealous of all the time Judy gave Michelle. Jen figured it was just because she was used to Judy being around all day, every day, and when she wasn’t, it was just off putting. She didn’t think it was because Michelle was getting Judy’s time and attention and love and mouth and body—

Oh, shit. Fuck. She definitely forgot about all the times her body felt flushed or her stomach did swoops when Judy accidentally brushed her body along Jen’s while cooking, or when Jen linked their fingers together in the quiet of the night. Jen kind of forgot just how good she was at repressing. (She’s working on it, cool? Cool.)

Does this… does this mean? Oh god, she might throw up. She’s in love with Judy. Her best friend. Her closest confidant. The woman who killed her husband, which Jen returned in kind. The woman she buried a body with. The woman she got drunk and danced to “Chains of Love” with after pouring their hearts out to each other. The woman who bought half of her house. The woman who adopted her children. The woman that makes Jen feel light—like nothing else is ever going to be quite as hard as it should be simply because Judy is always going to be with her every step of the way.

Jen loves her.

Is _in_ love with her.

What the fuck is she supposed to do with that? Literally where does she go from here. _Hey Judy, turns out I’m in love with you and have been for a while. Want to bone?_

Ew, fuck. She feels like a fucking teenager. How is she going to do this? Does she even tell Judy? Maybe she shouldn’t. Judy is happy, they’re happy. Everybody’s happy. And Jen can’t fuck that up— she’s not willing to risk everything they’ve worked so hard for.

So she decides if it comes up, it comes up. But she’s not going to be the one to bring it up. She’s not going to willingly put everything and everyone in jeopardy—

“Jen? What are you doing?”

“Jesus Christ, Judy. Don’t do that, you came out of nowhere like a fucking Beyoncé album.”

“You know who Beyoncé is?”

“Did you seriously just ask me that—”

“—but why are you out here—”

“—I’m middle aged, not a fucking loser—”

“—I thought we were going to watch that new documentary about Michelle Obama—”

“—like honestly, I get it, I’m old, okay? But that doesn’t mean I’m not caught up—”

“—or we could watch _Homecoming_ if you want—"

“Oh my god. _Enough_ , I feel like I’m about to have a fucking stroke.”

“Okay, but back to my original question: why are you out here all by yourself?”

Jen sits up. She forgot she came out to the poolside after dinner to think. About Judy. But now Judy is _here_. “Oh you know. Thinking.”

Judy frowns and sits down next to Jen. “What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Oh… no. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because you looked like you were really working through some things. You know you can tell me anything.”

Jen takes a second to look at Judy and appreciate her. She’s wearing one of Jen’s favorite dresses—the blue one with the deep v-neck and the little white flowers or whatever—and her face is impossibly soft. She’s looking at Jen like she’s something precious, something loved. Fuck.

She leans in before she’s even fully thought of the possible consequences, but she can’t find it in herself to care right now. Judy’s lips are impossibly sweet, and fit with Jen’s like they were made for each other. Ew, gross. Jen may be in love but even that was a little too far.

She feels Judy respond, but the second her lips part to deepen the kiss, Jen pulls back. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—”

“Jen? Um… why?” Judy doesn’t look pissed or upset, so that’s a good sign. But she does look very confused and a little flushed and oh, no. Jen cannot go there right now, she needs to explain why she did that and—

“Oh, shit. See, Henry? I told you they were gonna bone.”

Jen whips her head around to see Charlie standing just inside the open patio doors as Henry comes bounding up with a gleeful look on his face.

“Wow! Now we really _do_ have two moms!”

“Oh, come the fuck on. I can’t get one fucking break, can I? Also, do not teach your brother the word ‘bone.’”

Judy stands and puts some space between them while Charlie and Henry not so subtlety, high five. “So are you guys officially dating now? Because my friends and I have placed bets.”

“You placed bets on when your mother and I are going to _bone_?” Jen realizes she just referred to Judy as their mother, but she’s going to unpack that later. She has to deal with whatever the fuck is currently going on in front of her.

“Wait, what’s boning again?”

“Well, um, you see sweetie… it’s what happens when two people love each other—”

“Hey, Judy. Maybe we should save that talk for another time? Maybe when our relationship has not become a family affair?”

“Our… relationship?”

Jen pauses. Fuck. She really is fucking this entire thing up. She literally just decided she wasn’t going to tell Judy, but then she just _had_ to look all soft and kissable and—

“Uh, Mom?”

Jen startles out of her thoughts, not realizing she had been gazing at Judy. She takes a deep breath and brings her attention back to the boys.

“Okay, you two. Yes, Judy and I kissed. No, we don’t know what’s going to happen yet. So will you two please just, I don’t know, go do whatever it is you do on a normal Friday night so Judy and I can talk?”

Henry nods like the angel he is before running back inside the house, while Charlie slowly backs away and throws a knowing smirk, the smug little dude. Once they’re gone, Jen sighs and forces herself to meet Judy’s eyes.

“Care to explain anything that just happened?”

“Um. I don’t know if I can.”

“What the fuck, Jen?”

Judy turns around and walks towards the guesthouse, and Jen knows she is supposed to follow. She closes the door behind them. Her hand twitches for a butterknife so she can cut the fucking tension that is permeating the air around them. It’s ridiculous. This whole thing is fucking ridiculous. Why is she freaking out? She told herself if it came up, she would tell Judy. Granted, she is the one that brought up even though she told herself she wouldn’t, but it’s a little too late for that now, huh. She’s in love with Judy, and she just needs to tell her. She needs to buck up, get over herself, and just finally put herself out there. She’s gonna do it.

“I think I… mightbeinlovewithyou.”

Judy’s face scrunches in confusion and it’s a sin how fucking adorable that is. A whole ass crime. Jen would know. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.”

“No, Jen. I really didn’t.”

“I might. Beinlovewithyou.”

“Come again?”

“Jesus, Judy. I said I’m in love with you!”

Judy smirks, “Ah. There it is.”

Jen frowns. “What?”

“I’ve been waiting for that.”

“The fuck? What do you mean you were waiting? Did you like, know or something?”

“Yeah. Why do you think I broke up with Michelle?”

“I don’t know, Jude. I thought you guys had like, fizzled out or whatever it is you said.”

“Not quite. I honestly didn’t even realize anything was going on until Michelle brought it up. The whole house and kids and sharing a bed thing paints quite the picture.”

Judy is closer now, and Jen pauses. “Yeah… I guess it does.” Now she really wishes she had a butterknife because it’s ungodly, the amount of tension in this room. “So what does this mean? Now, for us.”

“It means whatever you want it to mean.” Judy is inches away, and Jen leans closer. The warmth Judy puts off is intoxicating, Jen’s own personal sunshine.

“Well, it would be easier to decide if I knew how you felt about this whole thing.”

“I think you already know, Jen.”

They’re breathing the same air, both expelling the hurt and the suffering in favor of the new thing that seems to be starting right here, right now. Judy’s eyes are glowing, full of love and something else Jen could only pin as desire. It’s vulnerable, whatever is happening between them in this moment. Usually Jen hates that whole being open and receptive thing—but if it means Judy will never stop looking at her like that, she’ll be vulnerable for the rest of her fucking life.

“I think I do, too.”

Turns out Jen _does_ know. It becomes readily apparent in the movement of Judy’s mouth against her own, tasting like something akin to tenderness. It’s there, as Judy’s hands roam over her body in the middle of the night with only the moon as witness to this beginning. It’s in every sigh, every moan, every twitch of Jen’s hands. She didn’t know love could be this glorious until Judy showed her how.

All those moments Jen felt something ignite inside her, she now knows it was leading to this. It was all a sort of inevitable, from the first moment they met. Every glance, every touch, every whisper of adoration. She doesn’t know why she didn’t know sooner, why she didn’t realize all the ways in which Judy makes her feel human—makes her feel whole.

It’s novel. Jen never knew she could feel like this. Or that she could make someone else feel like this in turn. She doesn’t believe in God, but she prays this never goes away—that Judy never leaves. It’s exhilarating, finding out all the ways she can make Judy beg and writhe beneath her. But it’s also velvet, when they linger in that space between passion and devotion. Jen doesn’t think she’ll ever get enough.

“Does it always feel like this?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, like we’re discovering something.”

Judy doesn’t answer. Instead, she pulls Jen closer. It’s absolutely fucking insane—all of those feelings are already resurging—Jen is ready for it all again. She smiles and leans in, all of it hot on her tongue.

It will take years for her to get used to this, but she’s grateful Judy will be the one by her side, learning it all with her.

**Author's Note:**

> hi thank u for reading, i love u! follow me on twitter @jensblazerhoard to further discuss why jen harding is a himbo :)
> 
> bonus points if you can catch my nod to portrait of a lady on fire !!!


End file.
